The Footwear Malfunction Conundrum

Picture this...Moscow, October 2011, 4 friends, a black VW Jetta and a quiet Sunday afternoon field trip to Ashan (psycho-huge grocery store that is a car ride away).  Naturally, I dress for the occasion (as does every self-respecting woman in Moscow) and don my red, high-heeled boots.  Since we're not going to be walking around town, I figure that I can stand the mild discomfort caused by the thin soles of the shoes treading on the cement floors of the mall -a small sacrifice to make in order to 'blend in'.  Or so I think...

About half-way though our trip through the mall I came to the shocking realization that my boots had failed me completely.  The floor was polished to a shine and as such, the heels of my boots were slipping backwards at an alarming angle.  As the floor surface provided no traction, being lovingly buffed to a high gloss, my bootheels were compromised and the structural integrity of my well-loved and well worn boots collapsed in a heap of blazing glory.  Like a trooper, however, I persevered silently through the awkward negotiations of locomotion.

That was when Mr. Unmentionable noticed that I was 'walking funny'.  He graciously pointed out the fact that I was showing the world a glorious rendition of a developmentally delayed duck.  I was not amused, nor was I a happy camper.  Each step was more painful than the last, my entire center of gravity being instantly shifted and my compensation for this was proving to be rather unsuccessful.  Every time I stepped forward the heel would slide back and almost flatten itself to the ground.  (It is important to know that the boots were at least 3 inches high.) So imagine, if you will, my gait: step, slide, lurch, step slide, luch.  This, of course, became the source of much amusement and not, I have to say, a little bit of pity.

I continued to step, slide and lurch through the entire store -which was as busy as Christmas Eve during a 50% off sale at Walmart- until we reached the cash.  At that point I could barely stand and since crouching on the balls of my swollen and very painful feet wasn't an option, I gave up and went to sit on the bench outside of the store, leaving Mr. Unmentionable to pack and pay for the groceries.  I played the petulant child.

I barely made it back to the car and once miraculously there, I was grateful for the chance to sit quietly in the back seat and continued to pout.  The minute we arrived home, the offending boots were sent down the garbage chute to 'the great beyond' with not so much as a goodbye and good luck.  Frankly, I didn't have the heart to even take a photo of what can only be described as a gruesome crime scene.  They were good boots and served their purpose well but now they are somewhere in a Moscow landfill, providing nesting material for oddly-plumed raven/crow-like birds.

Which brings us to the next part of the Footwear Malfunction Conundrum.  This has left me bereft of appropriate footwear as it is unacceptable to wear gym trainers out in public.  The days of cute sandals had long since passed and aside from a pair of sky-high heels that are good for show but not the daily commute, I had run out of options and I needed to sort this out, ASAP.

Luckily, close by there was a great little shoe shop that I had been coveting/eyeballing since our arrival.  Off I went with a girlfriend by my side for moral support in case things went awry.  (We both speak Russian like 2 year-olds so together we equalled a 4 year-old, right? Wrong.)  I was afraid it would be one of those "Pretty Woman" scenes where the sales staff don't give you the time of day because you don't look like you belong there.  I couldn't have been more mistaken, thankfully.  The staff there were happy to run back and forth and cater to my every whim and they were able to speak English!  I must have tried on 15 different pairs of shoes and finally settled on one pair of short, black, butter-soft leather, slightly heeled boots.  As soon as my foot slipped into them I knew they'd be coming home with me.  These boots were made for walking!  Of course I tried on impractical models and after taking three steps and my right ankle giving out, I decided to err on the side of fashion-conscious yet cautious.  Cost was also a factor.  The price of the boots that I had been coveting in the window display was equivalent to a month's rent (what can I say, I have great taste) so I decided to not even bother trying them on.  I know they would have fit perfectly, looked great and as such it would have been a heart-wrenching experience to have to say that I couldn't take them home with me.  I would have been thrown off the 5th floor balcony had I come home with them.

7150 руб later I was on my way, happy as a clam, having made my very first footwear purchase in what was about to be a long line of footwear revamping.  Mr. Unmentionable's face just about peeled off when I came home with the new boots but he took the news fairly calmly and once his pulse returned to normal and the colour drained from his face he admitted to liking the style.  At that point he did remind me that I would probably need at least one more pair of shoes otherwise I'd wear these out in no time.  I promised I'd make an effort to be more thrifty for my next purchases.

Blisters on my big and little toes later...WTH?!  (I've never had blisters there before!), my feet are healing and I look and sound like a Muscovite from the ankles down when I walk.  It is nearly impossible to buy a pair of shoes here that doesn't 'click' loudly when you walk.  I think it is a conspiracy and there are built in devices in shoes here to attract intentional attention to footwear.  That could just be my personal paranoia, though.

Since my footwear so desperately needed companionship and Mr. Unmentionable was out of town this week, I decided that a foray to the 'other mall' was in order.  To get to this one you have to ride the metro one stop but it is totally worth it -the mall is calm, quiet and has an H&M store in it where I can find clothes that fit!  I plucked up my courage, collected exact change and bought a 10 trip metro pass at the wicket all by myself.  This is a small personal victory.  Mr. U won't let me do it because he claims that I would take too much time and the lineups are fast and furious.  It is kind of like a roller derby with people jostling in a crowd rather than queuing up in an orderly fashion.  See the shot, take the shot is the mentality here.  At any rate, I had learned the proper ettiquette for buying a metro pass in class this week so I thought I'd try it out.  It turns out it works! You walk up to the wicket, shove your money through the hole and say "На десять" (for me, 10).  With a terse, "Спасибо" and metro card in hand, I was on my way.  Thankfully, the mall is on the light blue line and it is not one of the deep, underground-to-hell stations.

A quick exploration of the 2nd floor shops led me to H&M where a 'little, black dress', two tops and a couple of hair accessories felt the need to come home with me.  Fear not, H&M is really, really reasonably priced and I meant to get an outfit for a Monday evening function so this shopping trip was sanctioned.  As a follow up to this new ensemble, I thought to myself..."Doesn't every girl need party shoes?"  Thus, off I went in search of the Payless Shoe store that was on the 1st floor, remembering my promise to attempt frugality extracted (extorted?) by Mr. U.  It really was really challenging to bear that in mind as I passed store upon store peddling the most exquisite footwear imaginable.

Rounding the last corner of the 1st floor and about to give up/give in to temptation I spotted the store I was searching for.  If only I had veered left instead of right I would have seen it first instead of last.  They say that all good things come to those who wait.  Below is the iPhone photo essay of my little shopping spree.  I had a blast since I was left to my own devices in my shoe size section.

Once you get past the fact that Grover gave his life for these, you notice the gold heel on the shoe.

These were actually comfortable despite the awkward angle of the photo.  The open toe was a deal-breaker.

Raccoon fur, anyone?  Maybe squirrel?  Yuck.

I couldn't even stand up, let alone walk in these.

They looked great but too bad they were crippling.

Not so much.

Naughty school-marm, anyone?

Despite being my favourite colour, these didn't make the cut.  Suede ruffles?? WTH?

These did make the cut!  -comfy, stylish and sky-high.  Just what the doctor ordered.

Well, as you can see, a few pair followed me home yesterday.  Note that the entire price of 2 pair of shoes and 2 pair of boots were the equivalent of 2/3 of "the great boot purchase of 2011".  Mr. Unmentionable is sure to be proud of me when he finds out.  He's not home from his business trip yet so you all are getting this info before he does.  I figure there is safety in numbers and you can provide backup if I need it!

Pictured here is the line up of footwear that should last me until spring...or until you-know-who decides to leave town again and throw cash at me to keep me busy.  See?  I didn't REALLY spend all that much, I swear it.  Go ahead, check my math.